I try as much as possible not to make my life a public entity but sometimes the best cure for most of our issues is to simply share knowing very well that someone out there will benefit from your experiences of life as you go on. The recent turn of events in my life have left even me, the eternal optimist speechless, humbled and filled with a gracious and thankfull heart.
2010 had it's fair share of dramas, lessons and but most importantly it taught me so much about myself. It reinforced my absolute belief in the working hand of God in my life and reinforced my knowledge of His underlying love.
The year was marked by loss after loss, life spiraling out of control and emotional turmoil only dealth with by heavily acredited shrinks. In just one year I saw life as I have known it go from good to bad to worse and jump straight to great, all in a small period of time. What time did I have to deal with the emotions that come with all of these.
Towars the end of last year, the only thing between me and my rock bottom, was a little faith that someday it will all make sense. After filling buckets with tears, countless couch sessions with shrink, self-destructing behaviour, I was hanging on only by a threat of hope that there is a God out there and somehow He was looking down on me with a heart of grace and a willing hand. I spent countless hours in prayer, wishing that it can all go away. Felt like God had taken everything away from me. Relationships ended, friends departed and everyone looked like a curious bystander.
( I am trying very hard not to divulge or give the description of my situation. No amount of words can ever describe it all perfectly). Dealing with loss in all areas of one's life is not an easy task but one that is worthwhile.
I had a life changing conversation with a friend that made me realise that sometimes loss can represent gain in such a profound way. We sometimes hold on to things, tightly with both hands and never really let go so that we can receive. We limit the power of God's provision with our inability to let go.
As I tried to hold on to everything, I lost so much energy that I had no choice but to let go....I LET GO AND LET GOD....I LET GO AND LET GOD. The best decision of my life. When you let go and let God, you allow yourself to be free and be on the receiving end of His love, grace and blessings.
After all this, His hand became evident to me in such a profound manner. My best friend quit a job that will become mine in just a few weeks of his departure. I got blessed with great friends in my life and restored the friendships I had neglected. Got blessed with a wonderfull relationship, after battling with a loss of another...It took me years of bad decisions and wrong choices to "destroy my life" and only took God a few months restore all.
I have no idea why I feel so compelled to write this blog...Nothing I am saying here seems coherent to me and I am not sure if I am making sense but one thing I would want you to walk away with here is this...LETTING GO IS THE HARDEST THING FOR A HUMAN BEING TO DO, BUT IT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE BEST THING FOR YOU.
When letting go, you give God a chance to work in your life. To manifest all the great things He has promised. Letting go can be the greatest way to gain it all back and even more. OK...Just Let Go
I hope you got me...Just Let Go.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The State Of Stupidity...
As I was writing my exam today, I realised that as a people we have become incredibly stupid or rather too reliant on technology and quite frankly, I started asking myself too many questions about our state of stupidity...
Years ago I went to Dion Chang's seminar and he was talking about "the state we are in". Without going too much into details, he basically analysed our reliance and constant need for tecchnology and how this has made us "stupid".
With a click of a button we can simply get the answer we are looking for and more. With google,Wikkie and all these fancy site, one does not really need to know and remember everything when you have access to them. and the fact that we can now simply BBM the experts without any cost on our side, we don't really have to dig for the truth and knowledge.
What technology was suppose to do, it has done and in the process taken our inner need to know. I am reminded at how easy it was for me to do my work during the semester because all I need was to type the question in the google bar and I will have some brainiac out there give me all the answers, and writing my exam today, I realised that brainiac forgot to tell me that I should know this answer and more strongly, I should try to remember and recall it when needed.
This may sound like irresponsibility on my part, but I ask how much of your brain do you use these days; to analyse, ask probing questions and finally come to a well researched conclusion that will form the basis of your knowledge. Frankly, the truth abiding self in you, will remind you that you never think these days because the need to think has been taken over by technology. We have simply become the medium of data transfer.
This is even scarier because we don't even have time for quite contemplation and small thought. That period is gone when one had time to think about something before they can respond to questions or comment on something. Now when you read the news, the first instinct is to comment on what is being reported without even thinking about it.
While at Dion's talk, one of the things I came to realise is that technology no matter how great it is, has made the human race very lazy and unthoughtfull. We hardly even have time alone with our thoughts, because if you are not busy googling, you are are responding to endless emails, texts, fb messages, or simply commenting about Britney Spear's PuJUjU...
We are forver busy with information and never have time to process that information, analyse and quetsion it's authenticity.
I miss the days of reading a book and getting absorbed in the story, use my mind to create pictures and spark my creativity. I miss the days of sitting under the tree with your one litre bottle of coke and simply listening to the sound of my breath if not the humming birds and singing "gogoitjies".
I miss the time when responding to something meant taking pen in your hand, pulling out a piece of paper, then writing your responce, knowing full well that after you have written it, you would have had time to think about it and re-draft your response.
I miss the time when I missed people in my life and when I saw them, I had something to say and we had so much to catch up on. the mystery and intrigue of getting to find out what they have been up to and which direction they have been taking. I miss the time when I did not need to constantly answer to everyone because I was out of reach.
But most importantly, I miss the time when I was alone with my body, mind and spirit, and we were all in one accord and in the same space, because none of us was responding to the everyday demands imposed on by societal need to know about you constantly or your need to probe.
P.S. I am not in any way trying to down-play the conveniences that technology has brought to my life and billions of other people, I am simply weeping for the time when I felt in control of the information that I absorbed...but then again I have the responsibility to sit back and not constantly be in "the know all".
Years ago I went to Dion Chang's seminar and he was talking about "the state we are in". Without going too much into details, he basically analysed our reliance and constant need for tecchnology and how this has made us "stupid".
With a click of a button we can simply get the answer we are looking for and more. With google,Wikkie and all these fancy site, one does not really need to know and remember everything when you have access to them. and the fact that we can now simply BBM the experts without any cost on our side, we don't really have to dig for the truth and knowledge.
What technology was suppose to do, it has done and in the process taken our inner need to know. I am reminded at how easy it was for me to do my work during the semester because all I need was to type the question in the google bar and I will have some brainiac out there give me all the answers, and writing my exam today, I realised that brainiac forgot to tell me that I should know this answer and more strongly, I should try to remember and recall it when needed.
This may sound like irresponsibility on my part, but I ask how much of your brain do you use these days; to analyse, ask probing questions and finally come to a well researched conclusion that will form the basis of your knowledge. Frankly, the truth abiding self in you, will remind you that you never think these days because the need to think has been taken over by technology. We have simply become the medium of data transfer.
This is even scarier because we don't even have time for quite contemplation and small thought. That period is gone when one had time to think about something before they can respond to questions or comment on something. Now when you read the news, the first instinct is to comment on what is being reported without even thinking about it.
While at Dion's talk, one of the things I came to realise is that technology no matter how great it is, has made the human race very lazy and unthoughtfull. We hardly even have time alone with our thoughts, because if you are not busy googling, you are are responding to endless emails, texts, fb messages, or simply commenting about Britney Spear's PuJUjU...
We are forver busy with information and never have time to process that information, analyse and quetsion it's authenticity.
I miss the days of reading a book and getting absorbed in the story, use my mind to create pictures and spark my creativity. I miss the days of sitting under the tree with your one litre bottle of coke and simply listening to the sound of my breath if not the humming birds and singing "gogoitjies".
I miss the time when responding to something meant taking pen in your hand, pulling out a piece of paper, then writing your responce, knowing full well that after you have written it, you would have had time to think about it and re-draft your response.
I miss the time when I missed people in my life and when I saw them, I had something to say and we had so much to catch up on. the mystery and intrigue of getting to find out what they have been up to and which direction they have been taking. I miss the time when I did not need to constantly answer to everyone because I was out of reach.
But most importantly, I miss the time when I was alone with my body, mind and spirit, and we were all in one accord and in the same space, because none of us was responding to the everyday demands imposed on by societal need to know about you constantly or your need to probe.
P.S. I am not in any way trying to down-play the conveniences that technology has brought to my life and billions of other people, I am simply weeping for the time when I felt in control of the information that I absorbed...but then again I have the responsibility to sit back and not constantly be in "the know all".
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
CAN ALL THAT GLITTER BECOME GOLD ALREADY!!!!
I just checked deGorgeous's fabulosa blog and of course he is always the bearer of all thing glitter and Joburg Fashion Weeks promises to be exactly that. If the pictorial campaign and video promo are anything to go by, this year promises to be one for the records or at least that's how it has been positioned. Having been to more fashion weeks in this country than I have visited the dentist I thought I should voice my concerns and bitch a little.
I know I moan and groan more often than I should and quite frankly do think my opinion should be the only one that counts ( on my blog at least). I have a couple of problems that I have battled to deal with, and since I can't talk to my shrink about my issues with all these fashion weeks and the state we are in, as South African fashion industry, I though maybe this would be a perfect opportunity. Here is my list, in no particular order... and if you can answer me or share some knowledge, please do so remembering that an opinion is like an ass and we all have one.
I know I moan and groan more often than I should and quite frankly do think my opinion should be the only one that counts ( on my blog at least). I have a couple of problems that I have battled to deal with, and since I can't talk to my shrink about my issues with all these fashion weeks and the state we are in, as South African fashion industry, I though maybe this would be a perfect opportunity. Here is my list, in no particular order... and if you can answer me or share some knowledge, please do so remembering that an opinion is like an ass and we all have one.
- Issue number one, when all this parading ends after three days of air kissing, sipping champagne and speaking Prada or David, where does it all start with the business of fashion. I always get so puzzled that so many talented designers work their butts off just to show at fashion week and hardly make ends meet trading their craft. Who exactly should we attribute this little phenomenon to? Is it the lack of business acumen on their part or is because South African market is unwilling to support this industry?
- Secondly, I have massive issues with the crowds that are attracted at these fashion weeks. Young little pretty things, with R20 in their bank balance and no intention or means to buy the fashion. Yes, you know them. they are cute little things and wear the most craziest of outfits but quite frankly can't afford to buy the clothes that are showcased at fashion week. They hog the front row and seem to get all the best tickets and invites that should be given to Corporate South Africa, who by virtue of their bank balances come to Fashion Weeks to see what they can buy and not what they can gossip about. How many of those corporate junkies go overseas to do their shopping and they never get invited to these fashion weeks, and don't you dare tell me it's because they don't want to. Let me bring a friend, unknown in this interesting but stupid circle and they will hardly be given a seat, when in actual fact they have more potential to either buy or invest in this industry.
- How many of our designer have a client database of unknown people in corporate but have a huge database of celebrities who don't even buy the clothes. The most frustrating thing is when you have to order the clothes from these fabulous designer and you are paying with your hard earned money but you get your clothes late because some pretty young bimbo on tv has an award ceremony to go to and they, of course get first preference.
- Then comes the other issue that irks me from the core, designers who come to showcase some last season Milan Fashion Week or the likes, are we so starved for creativity or are we simply trying to jump on the bandwagon that 'Africa is a dumping zone so let's just dump our crap there'. Quite frankly, my knowledge of fashion is as bleak as my experimentation with quantum physics, but there is only a handful of designers who have and continues to stand out because they break the boundaries and are merely not victims of Parisian/Western dictates.
- With these fashion weeks, come the discussion forums where they would discuss forming the South African Fashion Council or something remotely similar, but are they decisive enough to actually bring it to fruition. Every FW, you hear the same moaning and bickering but no one is actually taking the lead.
- I sometimes wonder if this industry is sustainable and if it will ever get off the ground and what exactly is needed to achieve that. with so much unprofessional behaviour and a sense of entitlement, I will not be holding my breath.
- The last one I went to, some old lady had bought tickets and was taking her family to one of the shows to find out that it was delayed by three hours and that meant she had to spend more money to entertain her entourage before she can view the show.
I know that most of you reading this will think that my observations are without foundation and merit but I dare you to ask and talk to most of the designers and you will be surprised to see that all the glitter is not gold and that rusty goose ain't laying a golden egg anytime soon.
I am going to make my way to Fashion Week and I pray to God that the advertising campaign is not selling me a gold plated rusty nickel...
Please wow us, not so that we can be proud of you and your talent but so that we can be compelled to buy your stuff...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Zille is on crack...Period
Ok the by-laws on liquor...what BS is that? I am a one to ask that there should exist some kind of control on the liqour usage in this country but I think the policy makers in Zille-ville are on crack and have a dealer on speed dial, thats the only explanation I can give for not allowing us non-crackers for drinking our hard earned money past 2 am and before 11am in the morning in restuarants and bars...
These are simple implications for me, a hard working civilian. The restriction on simply enjoying friendhsip bonding between pints of beer, listening to some cool music and dancing the night away. I am quick to point out that the only way I seem not to be consumed by all kinds of rubbish prevalent in this city is when I am pissed out of my mind in the city.
The social implications are also just as crappy, dancing and hanging out with folks is by far the best past time for most working class community. We take this time as seriously as we do voting. I can bet that some will go and vote her out simply because she has taken their favourite let-me -hang-lose time from them.
At 4am in the morning, any waiter will tell you ( and I know this because I was one for four days) that I tip very well in that case. If someone can wait on me untill that time, they surely deserve more than a handshake...Implication: waiters might as well forget about their careers and go ask for social welfare because they won't be making any more money...
Now let me get to the fat-bellied owner of the bar who has a Cliffton mansion to maintain and a fleet of expensive cars: he also has a right to my money to maintain the 21 year old girl whose name he can't remember. He has the right to squezzeeeeee me dry untill I make a nuisance of myself and start dancing on the table. THAT FAT MAN HAS A RIGHT ZILLE AND HE WON'T BE VOTING FOR YOU ANYMORE....instead he will be voting for Malema to be the new political head in the city. Because unlike you, Malema would not only get rid of these BS by-laws, he will be throwing lavish parties in these establishment and telling the neighbours that they are "Bloody Agents" if they complain...
If I am still not making sense, which I never do because before 11am I am forced to drink out of my flask and therefore end up binging, I am simply saying Zille is hanging herself this time. We forgave her for the roof-less toilets, because we were too tired of un-released crap. We forgave for ridding the city of the street people who provided us crack heads with pot and tik, simply bacause we realised a simple phone call will provide us with a months supply and hance bulk pruchasing...We even forgave her for her marriage to 'phuza-face' De Lille, but this is one thing we are not going to forgive her for....THE RIGHT TO RUIN OUR LIVES AND DRINK AS MUCH AS WE CAN...OUR RIGHT TO JUMP ON TOP OF A TABLE AND DO A PARIS HILTON WITHOUT OUR NICKERS ON...
I WILL TAKE THIS TO THE STREET MADAM ZILLE, IF BEING IN ZILLE-VILLE MEANS I HAVE TO BE SOBER AT ALL TIME.
and then she has the nerve to tell us the ANC is pushing a communist agenda, who s being a communist now, Zillicious? dictating how I should waste the peanuts you pay me....NXA MAAAAN
These are simple implications for me, a hard working civilian. The restriction on simply enjoying friendhsip bonding between pints of beer, listening to some cool music and dancing the night away. I am quick to point out that the only way I seem not to be consumed by all kinds of rubbish prevalent in this city is when I am pissed out of my mind in the city.
The social implications are also just as crappy, dancing and hanging out with folks is by far the best past time for most working class community. We take this time as seriously as we do voting. I can bet that some will go and vote her out simply because she has taken their favourite let-me -hang-lose time from them.
At 4am in the morning, any waiter will tell you ( and I know this because I was one for four days) that I tip very well in that case. If someone can wait on me untill that time, they surely deserve more than a handshake...Implication: waiters might as well forget about their careers and go ask for social welfare because they won't be making any more money...
Now let me get to the fat-bellied owner of the bar who has a Cliffton mansion to maintain and a fleet of expensive cars: he also has a right to my money to maintain the 21 year old girl whose name he can't remember. He has the right to squezzeeeeee me dry untill I make a nuisance of myself and start dancing on the table. THAT FAT MAN HAS A RIGHT ZILLE AND HE WON'T BE VOTING FOR YOU ANYMORE....instead he will be voting for Malema to be the new political head in the city. Because unlike you, Malema would not only get rid of these BS by-laws, he will be throwing lavish parties in these establishment and telling the neighbours that they are "Bloody Agents" if they complain...
If I am still not making sense, which I never do because before 11am I am forced to drink out of my flask and therefore end up binging, I am simply saying Zille is hanging herself this time. We forgave her for the roof-less toilets, because we were too tired of un-released crap. We forgave for ridding the city of the street people who provided us crack heads with pot and tik, simply bacause we realised a simple phone call will provide us with a months supply and hance bulk pruchasing...We even forgave her for her marriage to 'phuza-face' De Lille, but this is one thing we are not going to forgive her for....THE RIGHT TO RUIN OUR LIVES AND DRINK AS MUCH AS WE CAN...OUR RIGHT TO JUMP ON TOP OF A TABLE AND DO A PARIS HILTON WITHOUT OUR NICKERS ON...
I WILL TAKE THIS TO THE STREET MADAM ZILLE, IF BEING IN ZILLE-VILLE MEANS I HAVE TO BE SOBER AT ALL TIME.
and then she has the nerve to tell us the ANC is pushing a communist agenda, who s being a communist now, Zillicious? dictating how I should waste the peanuts you pay me....NXA MAAAAN
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The Countdown has begun
Its that time of the year when one has a lot of time on their hands...A body I have been working hard at for the whole year can now be paraded at the beach and long street... Reading a book or two from cover to cover in a couple of days...Enjoying cocktails in a company of great friends with no worry in the world except where I am going for drinks and and what I am wearing at the summer hot spot..
The are all the things that we seem to do every festive summer holiday, of course for some with an occasional summer love. But then the 31st approaches with the promise of great parties, endless binging and the hope of that magical kiss at tick of Midnight.
But stands out about this time besides the happy-go-round-partying, is the reflection on the year the seem to be on everyone minds. I started mine with a list only existant in my mind and it included quiting smoiking, writting more and the general quitting of bad habits. The it dawned on me that the reason I went into a mini depression about September was because the whole I did not live up to all the endless goals I had set up for myself. I had made so many of them that by the time I got to the half year I realised that none of them had come to fruition.
The I started a simple list that I knew that I will definately achieve. This list was so easy that I did not need to apply any form of scientific calculations and myriad experiements to know how to get to the other side.
I simply made a promise to myself to be happy...no matter how that came about, my simple New Year's resolution was to be happy and a little kinder to myself. This include not running after poeple and things that seem to care more about themselves than me. Not putting myself in harms way. Doing things at my pace and trying not to impress everyone. Letting myeself become me and simply enjoy eac day as it come.
As the year nears it's demise, I seem to come closer to my happiness. Even in small things I seem to be at the door of absolute joy and I hope that I can always remember the simple formula...TO BE KIND TO MYSELF WITHOU COMPROMISE...
Happy New Year and May Your Wishes Come True...
The are all the things that we seem to do every festive summer holiday, of course for some with an occasional summer love. But then the 31st approaches with the promise of great parties, endless binging and the hope of that magical kiss at tick of Midnight.
But stands out about this time besides the happy-go-round-partying, is the reflection on the year the seem to be on everyone minds. I started mine with a list only existant in my mind and it included quiting smoiking, writting more and the general quitting of bad habits. The it dawned on me that the reason I went into a mini depression about September was because the whole I did not live up to all the endless goals I had set up for myself. I had made so many of them that by the time I got to the half year I realised that none of them had come to fruition.
The I started a simple list that I knew that I will definately achieve. This list was so easy that I did not need to apply any form of scientific calculations and myriad experiements to know how to get to the other side.
I simply made a promise to myself to be happy...no matter how that came about, my simple New Year's resolution was to be happy and a little kinder to myself. This include not running after poeple and things that seem to care more about themselves than me. Not putting myself in harms way. Doing things at my pace and trying not to impress everyone. Letting myeself become me and simply enjoy eac day as it come.
As the year nears it's demise, I seem to come closer to my happiness. Even in small things I seem to be at the door of absolute joy and I hope that I can always remember the simple formula...TO BE KIND TO MYSELF WITHOU COMPROMISE...
Happy New Year and May Your Wishes Come True...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Return To First Love
When I first had this title, the only thing that came to mind was Danielle Steel's romance novel and little did I know that it could be one of the best book to ever cross my path. It was written by Marriane Williamson and she has been qouted even by the likes of Nelson Mandela...I am not not repeat the famous qoute here because I think everyone should know it by now.
But the title hit another nerve last night when I was dragged into one of those conversations. A friend called me and out of the blue asked me if I think he loves himself; and knowing that I am one to be honest, I simply said no. My explanation for my blunt take on the question was: if you loved yourself, you will never put yourself in harms way and do the things that bring misery and hurt into your life. He argued back and said "that drama always follows me wherever I go" and I was quick to point out that drama never follows us, we simply invite it and bring it to ourselves.
Although this was not about me, after I hung the phone it dawned on me that I was saying all these to him and not realising that I should be saying the same things to myself. I started a minute journey into my past and realised all the things that I had come accross, the dramas, the fights, the miseries and heartbreaks and headaches; and realised that about eighty percent of them were simply unneccesary and had I loved myself enough I would not have allowed these into my life.
I realised that for the longest time, I had put my life on a very thin threat that could break at any point simply because I cared very little about me and more about other people. Some of the decisions I made were there to support other dreams not mine.
Going back to that qoute I promised not to mention, I realised that "I let my light go out so that other's can shine". I belittled myself so that others could appear gigantic.
I spent the last five to six years of my life trying to get affirmation from other people. and could stop at nothing to get it and the smallest of these "affirmations" could send chills down my spine. The very thought that someone thinks I am hot, made me intoxicated with affection and I regretably would let them "get away with murder".
Twenty Ten with its challenges and strangely enough heartbreaks, presented me an opportunity to sit back and reflect on this long history of self-love or the lack of. It came to me when friends started spending less time with me. When loved ones seemingly turned a blind eye to my challenges that the root of everything was not with other people but myself. The root of all my problems and unhappiness was with "First Love".
After all the ranting I would like to just take a few more lines of your time and share with you my little but possibly life-changing discovery.
I started looking for answers about who I was and what I wanted out of life and one simple answer came to me and put a lot of things in perspective. I remembered a scripture in Genesis 1:26 where God says" Let us make man in our image so that he can be like us". Boom right there, I had my Oprah's light bulb moment.
That God in His greatness and groly...rolled up His sleeves and made man...He did not speak man into being like He did with all the other creatures, but He said His plan and went down to create man. Over and above that, He said I will make him/her into my image so that he can and should be like Him.
Now it goes further and says "So that he can have authority over the earth and everything that is in it"...Boom, yet again.
The journey to my self-dicovery was on poitn now. I started to ask if God made me like Him, why on earth am I having to fight so hard for other people's affection and love. For their acceptance and permission to live my life. Why on earth am I still doing the things I am doing to put myself in hamrs way just to win their affection. After all, I am made in His devine image and I am like him, a minuture version of the devine God. All that He is I am.
Secondly I started to ask why are the so many things always troubling me, the challenges that always seem to be too big to overcome and problems "always follow me around", and it dawned on me agian that I was given authority over the earth and everything in/on it. that simply put; nothing can happen to me and harm me unless I allow it. I have absolute power to overcome everything and live that happy life that I want to live.
I know this might sound like pop psychology but if one exercises that power, you can never again become a victim of anyone or anything else. You might not have control over your external circumstances but you have control over your internal cirmcumstances.
Right at that moment, I decided that the journey to self discovery has to start with knowing my inner man quite well. I need to understand Karabo Lepote from inside and I owe nothing to anyone. I realised that my failures and successes are mine and mine alone and if I ever have to explain myself to anyone I will always be wasting time explaining myself and none on living my life.
The return to first love had to be the begining of my journey and I hope your. First Love being loving yourself. Beind aware of who you are and never having to compromise on anything and never letting other's shine at your expense. The return to first love simply mean loving yourself enough to know that if you don't love love yourself and celebrate the creation of God in you, you will never be able to love anyone else. If you can't love whats right inside you, how can you love whats foreign to you. This return to first love meant I need to trim the branches that I not beraing fruits in my life and allowing those fruit-bearing one to enter my life. The return to first means, no one can ever make me feel worthier than I do myself and all the affection I can get from other people can only compliment what I feel for myself.
My return to first love means I would now appreaciate and celebrate Karabo every minute because doing so I would be celebrating God's workmanship and work of fine art.
That seems to be quite a lot to take in in one seesion and therefore I decided I am gonna break it down into smaller pieces and share my experiences with you all as I go. This is the start of a great journey and lets all begin it together and I open the floor, so to speak, for anyone to share their experiences so that we can all benefit from this well of life's wisdom
With Love Karabo
But the title hit another nerve last night when I was dragged into one of those conversations. A friend called me and out of the blue asked me if I think he loves himself; and knowing that I am one to be honest, I simply said no. My explanation for my blunt take on the question was: if you loved yourself, you will never put yourself in harms way and do the things that bring misery and hurt into your life. He argued back and said "that drama always follows me wherever I go" and I was quick to point out that drama never follows us, we simply invite it and bring it to ourselves.
Although this was not about me, after I hung the phone it dawned on me that I was saying all these to him and not realising that I should be saying the same things to myself. I started a minute journey into my past and realised all the things that I had come accross, the dramas, the fights, the miseries and heartbreaks and headaches; and realised that about eighty percent of them were simply unneccesary and had I loved myself enough I would not have allowed these into my life.
I realised that for the longest time, I had put my life on a very thin threat that could break at any point simply because I cared very little about me and more about other people. Some of the decisions I made were there to support other dreams not mine.
Going back to that qoute I promised not to mention, I realised that "I let my light go out so that other's can shine". I belittled myself so that others could appear gigantic.
I spent the last five to six years of my life trying to get affirmation from other people. and could stop at nothing to get it and the smallest of these "affirmations" could send chills down my spine. The very thought that someone thinks I am hot, made me intoxicated with affection and I regretably would let them "get away with murder".
Twenty Ten with its challenges and strangely enough heartbreaks, presented me an opportunity to sit back and reflect on this long history of self-love or the lack of. It came to me when friends started spending less time with me. When loved ones seemingly turned a blind eye to my challenges that the root of everything was not with other people but myself. The root of all my problems and unhappiness was with "First Love".
After all the ranting I would like to just take a few more lines of your time and share with you my little but possibly life-changing discovery.
I started looking for answers about who I was and what I wanted out of life and one simple answer came to me and put a lot of things in perspective. I remembered a scripture in Genesis 1:26 where God says" Let us make man in our image so that he can be like us". Boom right there, I had my Oprah's light bulb moment.
That God in His greatness and groly...rolled up His sleeves and made man...He did not speak man into being like He did with all the other creatures, but He said His plan and went down to create man. Over and above that, He said I will make him/her into my image so that he can and should be like Him.
Now it goes further and says "So that he can have authority over the earth and everything that is in it"...Boom, yet again.
The journey to my self-dicovery was on poitn now. I started to ask if God made me like Him, why on earth am I having to fight so hard for other people's affection and love. For their acceptance and permission to live my life. Why on earth am I still doing the things I am doing to put myself in hamrs way just to win their affection. After all, I am made in His devine image and I am like him, a minuture version of the devine God. All that He is I am.
Secondly I started to ask why are the so many things always troubling me, the challenges that always seem to be too big to overcome and problems "always follow me around", and it dawned on me agian that I was given authority over the earth and everything in/on it. that simply put; nothing can happen to me and harm me unless I allow it. I have absolute power to overcome everything and live that happy life that I want to live.
I know this might sound like pop psychology but if one exercises that power, you can never again become a victim of anyone or anything else. You might not have control over your external circumstances but you have control over your internal cirmcumstances.
Right at that moment, I decided that the journey to self discovery has to start with knowing my inner man quite well. I need to understand Karabo Lepote from inside and I owe nothing to anyone. I realised that my failures and successes are mine and mine alone and if I ever have to explain myself to anyone I will always be wasting time explaining myself and none on living my life.
The return to first love had to be the begining of my journey and I hope your. First Love being loving yourself. Beind aware of who you are and never having to compromise on anything and never letting other's shine at your expense. The return to first love simply mean loving yourself enough to know that if you don't love love yourself and celebrate the creation of God in you, you will never be able to love anyone else. If you can't love whats right inside you, how can you love whats foreign to you. This return to first love meant I need to trim the branches that I not beraing fruits in my life and allowing those fruit-bearing one to enter my life. The return to first means, no one can ever make me feel worthier than I do myself and all the affection I can get from other people can only compliment what I feel for myself.
My return to first love means I would now appreaciate and celebrate Karabo every minute because doing so I would be celebrating God's workmanship and work of fine art.
That seems to be quite a lot to take in in one seesion and therefore I decided I am gonna break it down into smaller pieces and share my experiences with you all as I go. This is the start of a great journey and lets all begin it together and I open the floor, so to speak, for anyone to share their experiences so that we can all benefit from this well of life's wisdom
With Love Karabo
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The right to think what I want to think
Ok I just thought maybe I should share some of my thoughts on one annoying feature in the news lately. I have been reading a lot late about some "Botes" or some other charector that said she did not trust black people and /or disliked black folk. and she said it in the media which just sent shock waves down everybody's spine, including yours truly.
Of course after an occasional glass of the fermented reg grapes and dried green leaves, one turns to sit down and really think about issues without the outside influence. (becuase after that combination, you can't do anything else).
I started reflecting on some of her statement and wondered how true they were in my life. I have been mugged a couple of time in my life and three three out of five times have been in Cape Town by coloured guys. And after these incidents, whenever I see a funny looking colourd person in CT I always run for cover if I can. I have the inability to walk freely in the streets of Cape Town withou thinking about when its going to happen again and always think that it is probably going to be colourds guys that mug.
When she said the that if there is a black guy at her door, she does not open, I could also relate because I would never open for a black guy given that they came into our house and tied the helper after she opened for them. If I see a white guy chances are, I will open withou first interrogating the man like the CIA.
The point I am making here is a very simple one, the experiences we have shape the thinking we develop. What haapens to us and building up of these experiences happens to shape how we react in the future and how we see people and things.
I might not tolerate the statements that this Botes woman has said but Ido understand why she said the same things given my own experiences. I am sure that so many people wold concur that what she said we have all said...Black, White, Indian, Coloured, Asian or race living in this country. We have repeated the things she said, the only difference she came out of the closet about it.
And untill we all come out of the closet and say it in public the things we say in private we can never really judge anyone who says it. And in any case I though we have the right to think however we want to think and express our thoughts. We express our hatred of the president when he fathers another child and why anyone in this country express what they think.
I personally think government should use such utterances to reflect on the bigger issues that are affecting South Africa, crime being at the top of my mind.
Of course after an occasional glass of the fermented reg grapes and dried green leaves, one turns to sit down and really think about issues without the outside influence. (becuase after that combination, you can't do anything else).
I started reflecting on some of her statement and wondered how true they were in my life. I have been mugged a couple of time in my life and three three out of five times have been in Cape Town by coloured guys. And after these incidents, whenever I see a funny looking colourd person in CT I always run for cover if I can. I have the inability to walk freely in the streets of Cape Town withou thinking about when its going to happen again and always think that it is probably going to be colourds guys that mug.
When she said the that if there is a black guy at her door, she does not open, I could also relate because I would never open for a black guy given that they came into our house and tied the helper after she opened for them. If I see a white guy chances are, I will open withou first interrogating the man like the CIA.
The point I am making here is a very simple one, the experiences we have shape the thinking we develop. What haapens to us and building up of these experiences happens to shape how we react in the future and how we see people and things.
I might not tolerate the statements that this Botes woman has said but Ido understand why she said the same things given my own experiences. I am sure that so many people wold concur that what she said we have all said...Black, White, Indian, Coloured, Asian or race living in this country. We have repeated the things she said, the only difference she came out of the closet about it.
And untill we all come out of the closet and say it in public the things we say in private we can never really judge anyone who says it. And in any case I though we have the right to think however we want to think and express our thoughts. We express our hatred of the president when he fathers another child and why anyone in this country express what they think.
I personally think government should use such utterances to reflect on the bigger issues that are affecting South Africa, crime being at the top of my mind.
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